Here are the forms offered in the
MARRIAGE ON THE MEND book for you to use.  

What have you tried?

What was the outcome?

Can you list any ideas that have worked well for you?

Are you open to hear new ideas from God?

YES NO MAYBE

What would give you hesitancy to hear some new ideas from God?

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Physically

Emotionally

Relationally

Spiritually

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Are you ready to share some boundaries?
Readiness steps:

We are getting back in touch with our emotions through the Feelings Discovery Chart.

We have taken an inventory of what areas we need to “guard” in our hearts which will help us identify what boundaries we need to have. You can also get information for this step from the list in Challenge Two.

We have found (or are putting together) a safe, small, support group of ladies to walk with us.

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Having the Difficult Conversation Worksheet

Step #1

Express Love

Sample Expressions of Love: “I have some things from my heart I would like to run by you in regards to our marriage and family. Please realize first and foremost, that I love you. I really want “us” to be the best “us” we can be. We have had some wonderful times, and I want our love to grow and to learn to love each other more each day. However, what I need to share with you is definitely getting in the way of our love being all that it is possible to be. I thank you in advance for this time to share my heart with you.”

Step # 2 - Forgiveness

Sample Words: “I know that there are times that I haven’t demonstrated the best attitudes or words towards you. In fact, I know there are times when my anger has gotten out of control. I hope you can forgive me, and know that I am personally working to improve my responses in our relationship.”

Step # 3 -Speak Truth With Grace

Sample Words: “Over time, anger seems to have taken over so much of our communication in our marriage and family. This concerns me and emotionally hurts me. I have discovered that when anger starts, communication stops. I know this anger is really hurting me and I believe it is also hurting ‘US,’ and that makes me sad. I would like us to be able to talk with each other with respect and not with angry words and tones. Again, I love you and want to see growth in our relationship to be the best ‘US’ we can be. I feel that anger is standing in our way.”

Step # 4 —Boundaries

(If he doesn’t respect your request.) Sample Words: “I have shared with you how much your anger hurts me and our relationship. You don’t seem to acknowledge or respect this. From now on, if anger enters our conversations, I will need to leave the room. We can come back and talk once again after the anger is gone. Whenever anger enters the conversations, realize I will be leaving the room. It is because I love you and love ‘US’ and want the best for ‘US’. I know anger is not the best for me and for ‘us’

Step # 5 Exposing the Sin

(If he doesn’t respect your boundary.) Sample Words: “I’m very sad that you have not respected my concerns and requests about ______. I am so committed to not having this negativity be a part of my life that I am calling others to get involved to help our relationship. I also decided to go to counseling. You may come, but there will be total honesty in the counseling room as we talk about our needs and our issues.

Sample Words: “I’m very sad that you have not respected the concerns I shared with you about ___________. I will need to take the next step for things to improve.” (You don’t need to tell him your next step. He’ll know when the pastor knocks on his door (or whomever!)

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Forgiveness Process :

1. Say what you did to hurt the other person. For example: “My voice was harsh with you this afternoon.”

2. Tell the other person you know you were wrong. For example: “That was wrong of me to respond that way.”

3. Ask for forgiveness stating the offense. For example: “Would you please forgive me for my harshness?”

4. Then share your plan to help it not happen again. For example: “I know I have done this to you before and from now on I’m going to try to pause before I speak and to do an attitude check on myself. I really don’t want to hurt you. Would you remind me if I do that to you again?”

Tough Times Worksheet

Step 1 - Type out how you FEEL about the concerns facing you.

Step 2 - Type out every aspect of the situation.

Step 3 - Get connected with others –

Step 4 - Partner with God.

Step 5 - Take Action on your plan.

Step 6 - Cover all of your bases.

Step 7 - Stay on Course!

Our Greatest Marriage Conflicts Involve:

(Mark yes or no, and if you like you can underline the specific parts of the ideas in the explanation box that are true for you. You may cross out parts that are not true for you or mark them partially true. When you have finished this survey, it may seem alarming and disarming to you. Realize, it is always good to get the issues out into the light.)

Yes No Issues Explanation

Control He is always trying to control me - what I say and do, and who I know. He doesn’t like my friends, and often forbids me from seeing them.

Irresponsibility He never takes responsibility for his actions or words, and never admits he is wrong or asks forgiveness. Seems like he can do no wrong.

Irresponsible He doesn’t take responsibility for his time, money, or his role in this family. He can’t hold down a job to provide for his family.

Ownership He will not own any part of our marital problems. I get all the blame. We can’t even discuss anything without him blaming me.

Abuse His words condemn, accuse, and attack me. I feel emotionally fragile because of his constant belittling.

Physical and Sexual Abuse He is often violent -pushing me around and grabbing me harshly. At times, he forces himself upon me sexually.

Threatening He yells threats at me in rage. I live in fear not knowing if he is going to carry through with his threats. So many times he forgets or denies what he said, but I don’t.

Rude He treats my family and friends rudely, and makes no effort to be nice or involved. He is so prideful, always putting others down. In some cases, he is nice to everyone else, but his wife and family.

Stuck He has one way of doing something - his way, and he won’t take suggestions from others (and for sure not from me!) Life is the same-old-thing with no growth or change and no desire for either.

Anger He’s always responding with anger. Nothing ever seems right to him. His emotions are either flat or angry towards everyone and everything. Sometimes it escalates to rage.

Critical He always finds something wrong with me. I can’t do or say anything right. He is always correcting me, and often in front of others.

Pleaser and Deceiver He knows how to put on a good show of being a good guy for others, but not for his wife and family. When we have gone to counseling, he is an expert at deceiving the counselor and even the pastor.

Continued on the next page.

Yes No Issue Explanation

Harsh His voice is always harsh and unkind. He uses his harsh and intimidating voice to control everyone.

Impulsive He makes decisions (some very important ones for the family) impulsively and with-out consulting me. This includes: what to buy, how to invest, time commitments, discipline of the children, etc.

Workaholic He spends too much time at work, and his job always seems to be the most import-ant thing to him. He brings his work home, and never seems to have enough energy for the family at the end of the day.

Unhelpful He never sees the need to help or offer assistance with the house or the kids.

Addictions He is addicted to: gaming, drugs, alcohol, eating, sports, the internet, pornography, or __________.

Dishonest He tries to deceive me, himself, and others to get away with things. He doesn’t see that he has any problems. At times it is like he is “gas lighting” me.

Takes sides He sides with the kids and doesn’t stand with me in discipline. He allows the kids to get away with not doing homework and other responsibilities.

Demanding He has a picture of what a wife should be and it involves serving him. He expects so much from me with nothing in return.

Selfish and Narcissistic He always puts himself first without consideration for me or the kids. Life is about him and him alone.

Time His time is his own. He continually makes plans without us.

Immature He can’t communicate without anger or accusations. He seems to have no under-standing of how to make relationships better or how important they are.

Unspiritual He has no interest in spiritual things. He has abandoned his faith. He is a hypocrite saying one thing and doing another. It seems as if he doesn’t even know the Lord.

Unhealthy He does not take care of his health in eating or exercising.

Habits and Appearance He takes no pride in his appearance or his clothes.

Wandering Eyes

He has no respect for me when we are out in public. He looks at other women all the time.

Continued on the next page.

Yes No Issue Explanation

Infidelity and

Betrayal He has cheated on me having an affair - either emotional or physical.

Emotionally Distant There is no special closeness in our relationship. He doesn’t seem to be emotionally invested in our relationship.

Other

Other

Once you are done taking this survey, please do two things:

1. Add any other areas you see as conflicts in your marriage .

2. Then circle the top three issues you see having the most negative influence on your marriage relationship. (This may be hard to do. Ask yourself, “What will I not tolerate any more.”)

THEN answer these questions for yourself:

1. What did taking this survey tell you about your marriage relationship?

2. Is it better than you thought? Is it worse than you thought?

3. Do you more clearly see the key issues that need your immediate attention if you are going to see your marriage heal?

4. Did taking this survey clarify anything for you about your marriage?